(34) another lonely night

Nothing worse than being an outcast, ostracized, and being the one that is constantly being hunted down. This is a special time for me I enjoyed the commencement services at Anaheim stadium last week. Today is really special for me because it is the first day 25 years ago that I stopped drinking, which I had drank for 9+ years. I was drinking 16-20 beers a day when I stopped. On a sadder note, if these people do not stop hunting me down the next services people will probably be attending is my funeral. Tonight, I read through a big stack of papers that I have taking note of all the assaults that I have experienced. It is difficult to catch them in the act, but it seems that through writing some of the experience's I have had that it is a way to keep track. Honestly, I write this tonight I am awake because it is the third night in a row of zero sleep due to ears ringing and being wide awake. I have been going through this a long time and usually only take note when things get out of hand. Since my blog post three nights ago I have been unable to sleep they got me good.

Is this not anti-social sadistic behavior? I will tell you someone made the choice, the call, and placed the order and I am again paying the price. Definitely not nice nor good judgement by any means. I told my business partner about the experiences I have had many years ago and cannot make sense of it. He questioned me why would anyone want to hurt you your the nicest guy in the world? Either way I am too easy going and positive in my thinking that things should work out why wouldn't right? But not standing up to the bully always gets you more bullied. I have everything going for me and nothing but a bright future, but it just seems that for some reason someone is under more pressure and that they are getting more desperate. I say this due to the fact that I keep getting exposure that cause me side effects one being an itchy face neck and shoulders sometimes as well. Probably have mee's lines on my fingernails again but I haven't checked. I do know before it came in waves but would hurt my quality of life because I never knew when it would be coming, and so you just have adjust to living differently. Writing these posts in the past may limit the assaults it has in the past, surely will not halt the anger our motivations behind these behaviors though they always return. Hate no doubt. Hands dry wide awake ears ring stomach discomfort. An exterminating program that overlooks the proper avenue's of approval, yet someone utilizes unilateral authority to make decisions that can lead to catastrophic damages to someone's life in a way that is slick and difficult to point the finger at. This is a very organized operation that is very accurate in making its hits. It is not fair, nor just, and surely not professional.

Well here is to 25 years alcohol free I really enjoy having a life of total sobriety zero need for appetite's and/or addictions. One comes to mind is displaced aggression. I have a life where I can have a high base line of dopamine, which I gain through positive reinforcement by following a value system that promotes a positive affect emotionally which is a balance and stability. With a higher base line of dopamine in the cortical meso-limbic pathways, and not needing appetites like (i.e., f#@&ing, fighting, fleeing) for a buzz the dips and rises of this neurotransmitter are farther and fewer in between due maintaining a higher base line. Wonder why some may feel like crap and then may submit to risky behaviors then become addicted to the emotions surprise and anticipation. Anticipation is one of the emotions that leads to higher levels of the rewarding feel good neurotransmitter dopamine. The stressed person that hates or a person experiencing the reward deficiency syndrome may find benefit and relief in taking an L-dopa pill every morning. Anger and being addicted to risky behaviors may subside. In one of my papers I actually hypothesized that negative thinking may be a precursor of higher GABA (inhibitory neurotransmitter) levels in the amygdala, which may inhibit coupling/transmission from this area to the orbital frontal cortex (like when drinking alcohol) then l- dopa help may balance this limbic area to increase synaptic Transmision to the area from the (OFC) to the amygdala. This in turn may initiate higher level of control over emotion. For example, this may be beneficial in case of maladaptive stress response or trauma that also disrupts or even hijacks neural pathways between these localized brain regions. This disrupts logical reasoning over emotion. Anyways wide awake hating it thanks again fella's. Isn't blackballing me from a personal life enough for you It is literally torturing me I know that.

These people have me cornered I cannot get food or drinks anywhere without having an adverse experience like being assaulted from tainted food or water I ingest. I have found control oil control nations, but when you control food you control people. Some personalities love controlling people. They know where I go and what I buy. Unless I can see my food being prepared and no one expecting me to go there will I eat out. Then the market thing. When I eat or drink things that give side-effects it makes you feel inferior and lowers moral. Makes you concerned of long term effects. When your face itches and mee's lines are present it is a good indicator of arsenic poisoning which is proven to cause cancer. Someone surely does not like me.

Well there you have it if something happens to me I am sure with this info federal authorities can come to the bottom of the wide spread corruption that I am and have experienced. In history it always starts with small evils that escalate and get out of control till people have gone to far, and then have to answer for their activities. Seriously the system of checks and balances, the executive, the judicial, and the house of representatives is what keeps control, in contrast, to countries like Russia and North Korea. For me I try to refrain from these post because of retribution and dirty tricks that just lead me to more pain and suffering. definitely not what I want, but my human rights and civil rights are just being slaughtered and it is just not fair. Me nor any civilian should have to endure the unruly abusive tactics and practices that I am experiencing at this time. I'd rather be writing poetry like the beautiful words that flowed out of me when I had my last girlfriend than writing about this shit any day of the week.