(110) Briefing of experience since Monday

A bad experience Monday evening early Tuesday morning January 7 and 8th that extended till Thursday morning.

Tuesday morning woke up early and experienced heartburn really bad and body aches the body aches went on till Thursday morning after waking up and getting on with the day. Now Thursday that I write this at midnight going into Friday morning that my stomach is not in pain and the body aches are gone a problem. I could just not get comfortable moving from room to couch and tossing and turning all night for the last 3 nights.  Tuesday night was strangest thing I went and laid down early and seemed to like black out cause when I woke up at 8:30-9:00 I thought it was the morning, at first I seen my neighbor’s light was still on, and usually he shuts off every night at around 10:30. I check on this 93 year old this way well I was worried he wasn’t ok. Next was shocked the sun was not out and that it was still dark at 8:30 in the morning. Anyway, I texted my friend and asked why is the sun is not out. K, well the pain in the stomach was bad. Monday, I had eggs, and a black bean burger ate them before never had a problem. Well, its been worrisome, but trying to keep up with work, still know I am a target having to be cautious. My mom had something Friday night she looked absolutely terrible Saturday.

Next bit was Wednesday morning watching an LA County press conference on the fires. Many officials talking they ran out of time. Someone came and told chief McDonnel something he’d walked off the stage. Well, 15 minutes later or so Luna is on the news speaking. I do not recall a lot of what he said, like him warning about looting or loitering or that he has a plan put together for a  tactical response. One thing that did stand out is he said thank you for having me on like this was what is important for not missing the chance to speak. It is sad to me because I have a bigger cause of caring for others than I do of caring for myself. I have the studies to prove it. Remind you this is after 100 homes along PCH burned, and countless destruction has taken place. This guy longs for the spotlight and I really do not think he cares about anyone but himself. I see public image is #1. This goes for being external locus of control and seeing social issues not people, Very competitive, and the needing for tv interview after missing one is excessive need for admiration feeling like your not good enough. Social reward at all costs as an external show how good I am. Anyways I hope he can lay off me with the incessant bullying with so much to do with all these fire issues. When covid struck the harassment towards me became worse. This crisis will be no different. The new DA will not hold him at bay and will let him run amok. Get a bunch of people to bash Perrin post hoc rationalize to show see I am right now in a social movement style.

The excessive need for admiration can also be seen as an excessive need to be heard, and ego one that needs to have someone to separate themselves from to distinguish who they are. I am this scapegoat. Trouble with social constructs is that is exactly what they are a subjective based not based on objective truth from the bigger picture. Does categorical thinking come with criteria, assessment measure, or diagnostic criteria? Isn’t it more based on opinions, attitudes and idealism? One famous philosopher said, every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol myrophine or idealism. Carl Jung

Anyhow enough of the rant but it isn’t that easy because some cannot get enough, likely they are addicted, and get their balance from it. Dopaminergic hits pretty/external reinforcement they say is not self-reinforcing at the neural level and short-lived, which leaves a person imbalanced and prone to adverse behaviors. For example, excessive need for the spotlight, grandiose delusion of power or even the extreme need to attain a social reward to show who I am because of who this is as a trophy or grade. In this pursuit get people on my side, use fear, us against them, reinforce my sense of superiority, and social hierarchies; exclusionary practices of who belongs and who doesn’t. I am just writing this up quickly but have experienced war being directed towards me.

Late Harvard Psychologist Herbert Kellman researched where the war may come from and who is more susceptible and who isn’t in his, “Crimes of Obedience” book. In his studies he found that the rule/compliance orientated usually does not follow the rules themselves and that they will even act immorally to attain, achieve, defeat, and accomplish the social reward for their own success. My experience being an internal locus of control that per Kelman the least likely to comply due to questioning everything through the lens of their value system to use these and their principles as a compass to guide you. I did say I’d have retribution coming in my last blog post, never had a fever, but if that’s what it was unknowing what the long term consequences could be but unlikely to be good. Does this mean that there was any substance to what I wrote on the last blog that set someone off? And even that that someone is micro-managing me?  just think I am pretty much a nobody, and that for someone to make me a competitive factor of me to their success that I assume that I am initiating the narcissist abuse cycle. How I am the subordinate calling someone out on their inhumane and unethical behavior, which look at the Les video on that post. Here comes the mass in society like a modern-day lynching/social bashing

One thing that cannot be neglected is how you understand personality disorders and even pathology, or even to differentiate between pathology and growing pains. HMMM. What is all this social stuff anyways? Social emotional learning the environment functional experience and can we develop to have cortical dominance/controlled thinking automatically over emotion with a solid sense of self, a core identity and evolve to function as an intellectually and emotionally mature adult? Is their a difference developmentally emotionally? Why would it matter? Can you imagine living in peace not just with others but to actually live in peace with yourself? What is significance and purpose anyways or even internally versus externally driven? When looking into life it really begins with being in tune and aligned with your own self first. Do I have a problem with the guy that I speak of above? No really he is a human that has had trying and difficult circumstances and situational experience in a context and dialogue just like us all. I am cortically dominant use sapience to understand others through a moral empathic lens away from an emotional response to truly understand where someone else is coming from w/out judgement. Many carry emotional scars in the form of shame, or even internalized shame, attachment ruptures and so on making these experiences not so cut and dry. Often the things that bug us about others come from pain that we hold from inside, which then actually make trying circumstances things that we can grow and learn from. It takes a lot of tools to understand the social sciences things that think and move. They have overlaps, multiple causality, and in the social sciences it is difficult to do cause and effect studies with third + variables present, since we mostly deal with correlational studies, but it is tricky because correlation is not causation. If you want to be ethical, and not dehumanize people by  making big errors by trying to understand people through a categorical lens then you have to do the work to sift through the underpinnings of human development to pinpoint the underlying causal mechanisms of human behavior. Everyone’s mental health is reliant on seeking objective truth/reality to seek rational outcomes through the bigger picture. This contextual inference of social emotional learning and dealing with psychosocial stress in a healthy way is the key ingredient of healthy neural development as a tool for brain development. Just like compassion regulates sympathetic arousal I mean this for case studies, for gaining experience, for developing and preserving mental health by giving others our strengths not our weaknesses. We must remember this since rejection or acceptance of or by others plays a toll at an affect level like shame or not. Using resources not to build our own self, but to give back in a way to understand the capabilities and possibilities of our species which is each and every one of us equally can be more rewarding I promise rather than acting on hate, but this is a topic for anther conversation